This time a year ago a little plane brought me from the Green Mountain State to Washington D.C. and then to the balmy reaches of Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airport. I did not know what the Summer would entail, but I knew that a heart open to how God could be speaking and moving in me, in the Edmundites, and in the people of Alabama was what would make the Summer. It proved to be one of the most formative times of my life, filling me with a deep sense of renewal, clarity of vision, and gratitude for all the people I had come to know and love in the course of these months.
Yet last August, when I returned to Vermont, something felt different. Something had changed. I knew I had to go again to Boston. Something pulled at my heart to be at the School of Theology and Ministry, to reside in the Assumptionist Center, and to continue living with that sense of radical openness that had first led me to Selma. Without revealing too many details, some good changes were coming about in the Society and I was thrilled to have another young seminarian join us in our studies. On top of this I had just had an incredible experience living and working with some great priests and brothers. It was this happiness, this lack of bitterness or frustration, this clarity, that allowed me to realize I had a decision to make, and that I was now free to make it.
In October I parted ways with the Edmundites. I had been very scared of this decision, thinking that people would be mad or frustrated with me, that I would not be able to make it "on my own," and any other number of fears that cross the mind when one makes a major life change. Yet the exit process was one wholly pervaded by grace. I felt so blessed and loved as I said my farewells. I came to understand it not so much as "leaving" but as "being called forth" to wherever God may be leading me. Yes, there was pain. Yes, there was sadness. I loved these men dearly, and they had effectively been family for three years. I had so many places I could call home, so many new brothers both old and young, and had come to know countless other wonderful people along the way of this three year journey. But I was ready to go and see where God next beckoned me.
It is hard to believe it has been a year since I got off that plane. It feels like another life, and it in so many senses it was. I am discovering anew who I am as a layman, yet I take with me what I learned and much of whom I had become in religious life. At the heart of that is prayer. A deep sense of trust in God, grounded in prayer. This has brought me through much in the seven months since I was dismissed from my temporary vows, and I know God will bring me through much more. Scary things. Exciting things. Things I cannot now, as I could not a year ago, even imagine. But with that I move forward in faith, in hope, and in love, always seeking to remember to pause, to rest in the silence of the Divine, and to remain open to where he may lead.
